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Archive for the ‘
Parenting Issues ’ Category
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
Most of us know and love the wonderful MythBusters series on Discovery Channel; well today I want to Bust some of the most common myths that surround family life and personal development! We often have long lasting thoughts about life that just are not *really* true! In the article I will do my part to help you Bust those personal myths that hold you back from having Your Best Life! So let’s get started MythBustin’!
Myth’s about Happiness:
Myth #1 – I’ll be happy when I lose 20 (30,40,50) pounds.
How many of us have thoughts this, just to go ahead and torture ourselves by not eating the foods we love, lose the weight and be happy for just a little while. Yet after we get used to being our new slimmer selves, we realize nothing has *really* changed and we seem to have all the challenges we always had…including worrying about our weight! So in reality losing weight did not actually bring us the happiness we were looking for!
BUSTED!
Myth #2 – I’ll be happy after my house gets cleaned up.
So you’ve had it! You’re sick and tired of the mess and you get cracking…and you clean your house! Ahhhh…what a great feeling a clean house is…for sure! Yet did it really bring happiness? Well yes, it does bring happiness for a short while. Possibly even shorter than the weight lose brought due to your hubby and 3 kids messing the whole place up…lol! You realize it does feel better to have a clean house and it does add to your happiness factor, yet it is not a lasting happiness.
PLAUSABLE!
Myth #3 – I’ll be happy when I move to a different area/state or into a larger house.
Oh boy, this is one I used to believe 10 to 15 years ago…guess what I found out? Where ever I went…there I was! Meaning, happiness is an inside job! We can truly be happy for the inside out…not from the outside in. For me I had a lot of self awareness, self acceptance, personal development action I needed to take…before I could truly be happy regardless of my weight, mess, town or house I was in
BUSTED!
Myth’s about Parenting:
Myth #4 – Kids are going to be “bad” and misbehave if I/we don’t “teach” them how to behave!
Kids are not inherently bad…just the opposite is true! They are inherently GOOD! Yes, of course we have more experience in life that we can share with our kids to help guide them. Yet truly the best thing we can do for our kids is BE there for them, be there to help them, be there to guide them when they need us. The best way to teach out kids how to be and act responsible, respectful, kind, and loving is to model that behavior. Treat your children kindly, loving, respectful & responsibly; they will “learn” that is the way to act toward others.
BUSTED!
Myth #5 I was spanked and disciplined as a child and I didn’t turn out so bad.
Well, I’m sure if you are reading this Transforming Family E-Zine you are probably right…you did not turn out so bad…lol! Yet, if you look deeply, was your relationship with your parents damaged by being harshly disciplined by them. Do you find yourself harshly disciplining your children; then feeling badly wishing you had better parenting skills?
PLAUSIBLE? NO… BUSTED!
Myths about Marriage & Family:
Myth #5 – Happily Ever After. Things should be easier than this.
The truth about relationships is there is a certain amount of “work” that goes into them. So the idea that we fall in love with our husband or babies and everything is “happily ever after…is just hoo-haa! Yep…that’s what I just said HOO-HAA! What a real happy marriage/family looks like is a group of people coming together in a common goal. Willingness to look at one another as being perfect humans in the mist of all our challenges. Being willing to do whatever personal development is necessary to be the best Mom, Dad or kids you can be. Are you willing to do what ever it takes to have the family of your dreams??
BUSTED!
Many of the myths I have talked about come up in one way or another while working with my coaching clients, if you are someone who could relate to one or more of these myths and are ready to change your thinking from BUSTED to CONFIRMED, you are ready to join one of my coaching programs!
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Posted in
Be Your Best Self, Family Advice, Marriage & Partners, Parenting Issues, Uncategorized |
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
Consensual Living Chat with Pam G, Tracy & Parenting Group
Posted in
Audio Library, Communicating With Children, Consensual Living, Family Advice, Parenting Issues |
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Thursday, September 17th, 2009
How do we go about manifesting our family’s dreams? The process will look different for every family since we are all autonomous beings, so the ideas I talk about in this article are not directives, I just enjoy sharing what goes on inside my head. I have found that it can be challenging to use words to describe a spiritual concept, a concept that evolves through spirit, yet I continue to try.
My vision for my family started out inside of me, my spirit was my guiding light. My spirit told me that I wanted a loving, harmonious, consensual home; I wanted everyone to hold their own power. As a child I felt very powerless and am still working on owning my power. I didn’t want to do that to my family. It has been a journey and along the way I have learned a few things I would like to share. The most important thing I learned was not to focus on what I don’t want, but to focus on what I did want. For me, I started out knowing what I didn’t want and for a while did make the mistake of focusing on that and it didn’t feel very good. I recognized that this wasn’t working, I looked for a new way and the universe delivered the knowledge I needed to move forward. I read and was told to tap into how it would feel to have this family I envisioned. I am a feeling being, so that really helped me. I remember lying in my bath tub closing my eyes and actually feeling how wonderful it would be and from that point forward it came fairly natural to focus on that good intention, instead of my old tapes. Sounds easy enough…and for some it really is easy, for others including myself there was still more to do.
The Zen philosophy really resonates with me, it is based in practicality, the idea that the spiritual is in the mundane. So in my everyday life I had to practice seeing the spiritual goodness in everything. That is not to say bad thing don’t happen or that some days people don’t just feel sad, angry or whatever. For me acceptance is the key to all my feelings and working through them. We often hear the statement “choose joy” and that can be a bit challenging when something awful is going on; an illness, tragedy, disagreement with someone or even something dreaded by a lot of people as simple as the dentist <g>. How do we choose joy then you might ask. Again, acceptance of what going on is the starting point for me. Reminding myself that all of life is available to us for a reason, we might not understand the reason, but I try to accept everything as just being “OK”. When I can accept what’s going on I am choosing joy, even if it doesn’t fell great. It’s accepting the yin and the yang of life. It is embracing what is…reality.
Just this morning I received a daily email from the Abraham-Hicks website that suggested looking at life as a buffet. I will paraphrase; to choose your thoughts, just like you choose your food at the buffet. You put what you like onto your plate and you can choose what you want in your life. Yet, what about the challenging stuff life brings us, like I mentioned above…that can be a sticking point for many of us. If I manifested the good stuff, then do I manifest the bad stuff too? This kind of thinking can bring on new age guilt, which in my opinion is undesirable. I bring this up to clarify my point about acceptance. When we accept life, focus on what we want, be true to ourselves, follow our hearts and believe we can have everything we desire for ourselves and our families we will manifest our vision! May the force be with you 
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Posted in
Family Advice, Marriage & Partners, Parenting Issues |
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Friday, September 11th, 2009
This Article is in response to this readers comment/question after reading my post called Parenting Curriculum. Thanks for the great question!
Tracy, I’d love to hear more of your thoughts about dealing with external pressure to conform to outside imposed criteria, for instance in interactions with parents and others (i.e. neighbors) who may be feeling threatened by our lack of parenting curriculum.
I will start with this awesome quote from JFK…
Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. -John F. Kennedy
First of all, I congratulate anyone strong enough to go against the grain of society and follow their personal beliefs! I also know from experience that it is not always easy and you/we will come up against lots of resistance to our ideas. I’m not talking about doing anything against the law here; I’m talking about our rights as humans to dare to think for ourselves. Dare to not send your kids to school or parent without arbitrary consequences or punishments. These things do threaten some people like the reader above spoke about.
I will also turn your attention back to self…imagine that! Turn your attention back to everything is a choice, you can choose to feel uncomfortable or defensive or you can choose to live in the Joy of your choices !
How do you deal with interactions with others that do things differently than you? Possibly even totally disagreeing with what you are doing…very carefully and with grace! Start with self acceptance! We are all different individuals; we have different needs, personalities, and backgrounds. We bring our own gifts and baggage along for the ride. Yet, if we are truly accepting of self and the choices we are making, things usually have less charge. Less charge means we just accept ourselves and others for who they are and the choices we/they make without judgment!
Acceptance is an interesting thing, we usually have to start with self and then it flows out toward everyone else. That being said, people who are judging or acting as though they are the all knowing are really just reflecting their own judgment of self. Of course, usually unaware of their own lack of self acceptance. The same is true with judgment; if we judge another we are truly judging ourselves! I know I’m being a little tudy-fruity…airy-fairy here, yet if you take a moment and breathe deeply and soak it in, it really will help you to not focus on what others are thinking of you!
You are not alone; I have heard this from many people and have experienced it myself! Again what I found brought the most peace for me and my family was keeping my eye on the prize…which in this case is my belief system and living in JOY with my family! Not taking their comments personally is also VERY helpful! *TrusT* yourself first and foremost, you are the expert about your family!!
*REMEMBER*
Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance!!!!!!!
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Communicating With Parents, Consensual Living, Dysfunctional Relationships, Family Advice, Marriage & Partners, Parenting Issues |
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Monday, September 7th, 2009
A curriculum relies on specific goals and objectives that should be achieved within a certain timeline. When it comes to parenting I find the results of this stilted and mundane. Our children are not products; they are autonomous beings who need to be in connection with their parents. When I threw out the curriculum and simply created a safe place for collaboration, wonderful changes occurred within my family. Having expectations for a child to achieve certain goals and objective by a certain time is just setting them (and us) up for failure. I needed a way to reframe the curriculum that I had started out with and this is the best way I can put it into words.
I started to look at it like a musician entering a jam session. I am one person who has learned how to play my instrument who is in collaboration with the other people in my family all bringing their gifts and talents to our jam session. Together we share ideas on how we want our song to sound and then we just start playing. What flows in that moment is what matters, not the preconceived notions about what we thought the song should sound like. The art of this jam session is that we meet on common ground, which is the wellbeing of the family, then we improvise and see what we can come up with. The tune often sounds nothing like the original preconceived idea…that is the art of living without a curriculum.
I use the word art purposefully, no two families are exactly alike, just like a painting or sculpture. In a family jam session standard activities like meal time, watching TV, personal hygiene or deciding what to do that day, provide the setting for this type of improve. The skills and knowledge we have at our fingertips are not employed according to plan, we are not the boss or even the lead player, and we (parents) let things unfold naturally using our “expertise” only when we are asked. We are like the drummer who supports the other artists and keeps the rhythm going. The magic happens during the interactions, in the space between the participants, no one member can take the credit.
Parenting without a curriculum means looking at life with our family as a philosophy of experiential learning, one that downplays the intellectual tendency to predict and control. Integrating spiritual principles like “leads by following”, “finding perfection in things as they are and not as we think they should be”, these are principles a conscious parent will live by. It is an experience NOT a script or a bundle of dogma! The idea is to live moment by moment, being true to you.
Posted in
Family Advice, Parenting Issues |
4 Comments »
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
First I’d like to bring our awareness to the dangers of looking at children with a different quality of respect than we would an adult. The ideal states that all people are equal, it does not matter if you are 1 or 100, but is that what we really believe? Let’s say your neighbor comes over to your home and accidentally spills red wine on the carpet. Do you raise your voice and tell them to clean it up or do you say; its ok I’ll get it, I was going to get the rugs cleaned this week anyway. That is what I’m talking about. We say we love our kids unconditionally, we love them more than anything, yet if they spill grape juice on the floor…well you get the picture. Compassionate communication with our children is just that, respectful and compassionate. The same respect and compassion we would give our neighbor or spouse. Accidents happen, especially when your 3! Now that we’ve broken the ice and you’re seeing where I’m going with this, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of how to communicate compassionately with your children.
- Look at your children as people; don’t dehumanize them because of their age.
- Do not expect a child to behave a certain way, it threatens their autonomy.
- Autonomy is a healthy human need; if it is threatened there will be resistance.
- Needs are very important, what need is the child trying to get met?
- How can you help the child get their need met?
- Create the quality of connection necessary for everyone’s needs to get met.
- Do not demand things from your children, request them.
- Demands will always met resistance, they also make our respect and love conditional.
Number six is very important, let’s go further into understanding the importance of connection with our children. Creating the quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met requires a shift. A shift away from the way we have been culturally trained; away from using coercion to get what we want or to resolve differences with our children. We want to shift away from evaluating children in a moralistic way; such as good or bad, right and wrong, into a compassionate way based on needs and desires. It might look something like this, “I feel scared when you hit or scream at your brother, because I need everyone to feel safe in our home,” instead of, “It’s wrong/bad to hit or scream at your brother.” This shift away from blame and or shame can be challenging for those of us who have been conditioned to accept that kind of language. It requires us to be present with our children, to validate and empathize when they are communicating with us.
Moving away from the habits of communication we have been taught by our culture will be challenging. I support you in continuing your journey toward the ideal of compassionate communication and strongly suggest surrounding yourself with a supportive community. If you need help or suggestions on where to find like minded people feel free to contact me @ tracy@transformingfamily.com.
Posted in
Communicating With Children, Family Advice, Parenting Issues, Tantrums |
2 Comments »
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
Not only are horses magnificent animals they are also wonderful, insightful teachers! I have learned so much from my horses and being around “horse people” that I have been compiling ideas about how it relates to my life/coaching practice for years.
Just the other day I was at the barn doing my daily “chores” (which are more like bliss to me!) when this thought popped into my mind…Trying to ride out a bucking horse is similar to riding out a childhood tantrum! The similarities are uncanny; they both come on very fast…half the time out of no where…or at least it feels that way! So here is where the lesson comes in. The truth is if we are acutely aware of what is happening for our horse/child there are lots of subtle signs that there might be a buck/tantrum in our future! This is probably the most important thing I have learned from my horse, stay present, always aware of surroundings, trouble shoot before things go wrong!
Now you’re saying AHA! That’s what she means by comparing a bucking horse to a childhood tantrum! Yet, just incase your not connecting the two, since many of you have probably not spent much time around horses…I will clearly break it down;
In Both Situations, You Must…
Be Present & Stay Present ~ Often we push to hard in life; we go on one last errand, we stay to long talking with friends at the park, we go to the store when everyone is tired. We all know these things are a recipe for disaster! Stay tuned in to what’s going on with your child, know their limits and know yours. It’s the same with horses ;~)
Always Aware of Your Surroundings ~ Children and Horses (well all of us) have different sensitiveness to different things that are all around us. Some of our children are highly sensitive to noise, light, smell & countless other things…like shoes and socks! If a child has been uncomfortable for too long they will have to let off their energy somewhere…often it looks like a tantrum! Stay aware!
Trouble Shoot Before Things Go Wrong ~ When you are staying aware of these critical things, you can often “rein” things in before they go wrong! Checking in with self is the number one suggestion. Knowing your own limits first then being sure you understand your child’s/horses also! If a sensitive child has to wear an uncomfortable outfit to a wedding, then it’s loud, and everything smells different…you better be prepared ahead of time to leave early.
Even I am amazed that I just got a full page of writing out of the idea that riding out a bucking horse is similar to riding out a childhood tantrum. I hope for all you none “horsy” people you can take this analogy with you in your travels and daily life with your children. Maybe it will even help you stay more in tune with your child and yourSelf. Above all else…EnJoy The Ride!
Starting this fall I will be launching my Horse/Human Workshops, to learn more about my Coaching with horses pratice Click here!
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Horse Zen Around, Tantrums |
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Monday, July 27th, 2009
We have all had them, times when we were sick, sad, grieving, angry, anxious, stressed, in pain or truly depressed. How do we handle it all, let’s be real, let’s talk about it! Well, I think those two things I mentioned are crucial to surviving those really challenging times in our lives. Mothers are real people, they have real challenges, they are not super heroes and nor should they be! Accepting ourselves and all that we are including everything, the good, the bad and even the ugly is the key to emotional wellness. Actually I’m not a believer in “the ugly”, I have worked really hard at trying not to label my emotions as “good and Bad” I think all the emotions are wonderful. This is a very helpful tool when working through a challenging time in our lives. Accepting the emotions as they come up and not labeling them. This is a perfect example of how working with ourselves and our emotions will in turn help in every area of our lives. We will be able to accept our children’s emotional ups and downs better, if we accept and understand our own! I am a true believer in an emotionally healthy mom is the best mom she can be and that seems to be what I hear the most…mom’s want to be at their best for their kids!
As I said earlier, talking about it is also an important tool during difficult times. I know it is not always easy to talk about the most challenging stuff in our lives and for some personalities it is even harder…but everyone has at least one person they can be totally honest with. Call that trusted person, meet them for lunch or at the park, get together and share your true self. Honestly I’ve been there, done that and survived. Often people worry if they take the cork off the bottle and let it all out, they will fall apart, they won’t be able to pull it back together. I have never seen this to be true. It always helps to let the steam out of that simmering pot, share, be validated and move forward!
During Challenging Times…
1. Go within and locate what is truly bothering you
2. Accept what ever emotion or thought that comes forward
3. Confide in that trusted person or group of people
4. See or talk to a trusted professional
5. Be honest with yourself and your family about what is going on with you
6. Yes, this includes our children. Being honest with our children models acceptance of self, models that no one is “perfect”, models that emotions are healthy and good, models good self care…what great “lessons”
7. Take it easy, don’t force yourself to “pull yourself up by your boot straps”
8. LOVE YOURSELF, YOU ARE LOVABLE!
If you or anyone you know is going through a challenging time right now and would like some extra support, remember that I offer one FREE coaching session at http://www.transformingfamily.com/content/session.asp
Please forward this to anyone you think may benefit!
Posted in
Parenting Issues |
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